Humor

We’re Not Selling…

For anyone who, like me, can’t make it out to the Madhouse Theater show tonight, here’s the script for one my skits they’ll be performing. It’s called “We’re Not Selling,” and, well, you can probably figure out what I’m satirizing…

We’re Not Selling…

Don is a seasoned Madison Avenue advertising executive. Peter is his protégé. They’re both wearing suits and have slick hair.

Don: We’re not selling hotel rooms. We’re selling sex. Do you follow me?

Peter makes a note on a notepad.

Peter: Okay. Yeah. Kind of.

Don: Good. Let’s try another one. We’re not selling cars. We’re selling…

Peter: Freedom! The open road…

Don: No. We’re selling sex. We’re not selling breakfast cereal. We’re selling…

Peter makes another note.

Peter: Family values?

Don: No. We’re selling sex. Do you see a pattern emerging?

Peter looks at his notes and screws up his face in concentration.

Peter: Ummm…

Don: Sex. The answer is always sex.

Peter: Right! Right! Oh, that’s good…

Peter begins to write in his notepad, but Don grabs it from him and tosses it away.

Don: Forget that. Let’s try another one. We’re not selling candy. We’re selling…

Peter: Sssssex?

Don: We’re not selling floor cleaner. We’re selling…

Peter: Sex.

Don: We’re not selling vitamins. We’re selling…

Peter: Sex.

Don: We’re not selling diapers. We’re selling…

Peter: Sex.

Don: Cough medicine?

Peter: Sex.

Don: And motor oil?

Peter: Sex!

Don: How about ketchup?

Peter: Sex.

Don: Raincoats! Luggage! Baked beans!

Peter: Sex. Sex. Sex.

Peter is getting hot and excited.

Don: Popsicles!

Peter: Sex!

Don: Baby powder!

Peter: Sex!

Don: Dog food!

Peter: Sex!

Don raises a hand and appears to be disgusted.

Don: No! God no! No. Dog food is always dog food.

Peter looks disappointed.

Peter: Oh.

Don punches Peter on the shoulder.

Don: Just kidding! It’s sex! Now let’s go bang some hookers.

-END-

Interviewed by Mary L. Tabor on Rarebird Radio

Big thanks to Mary L. Tabor for interviewing me on her radio show! We talked about teaching, creativity, comedy, books, publishing, small presses, and independent bookstores, all in the space of a half-hour! Here’s a link, in case you’re curious:

Mary L. Tabor with Marc Schuster 06/19 by rarebirdradio | Blog Talk Radio.

Oh, and I also do my Sean Connery impersonation.

The Coolest Thing You Will Ever Do In Your Life

This week’s episode of my podcast is titled “The Coolest Thing You Will Ever Do In Your Life.” In it, I read a piece of fiction from a work in progress and interview longtime educator Monica D’Antonio about teaching and the state of higher education in America. More or less.