My Birthday/Hitchbot/True Detective

Today is my birthday. Here’s what I want: A promise from Nick Pizzolatto to make up for the disappointing second season of True Detective by setting season three in Philadelphia and dedicating it to figuring out who killed Hitchbot. The twist? Hitchbot saw something he shouldn’t have, and some combination of the Philly PD, the FBI, and, I don’t know, the CIA needs to figure out what he saw… Honestly, though, I’m so disappointed that my hometown is where Hitchbot met his demise. And the guy who did it was caught on tape wearing an Eagles jersey. It’s enough to make a guy root for the Giants.

How I feel right now…

Beleaguered Tourist Writes Tell-All Memoir

Waldo-01In his new tell-all memoir Leave Me the Hell Alone, beleaguered tourist Waldo writes that he’s tired of people trying to find him.

“Has it ever occurred to you people that I’m trying to blend into my surroundings for a reason?” Waldo asked in a recent press release. “I really, really, really want to be left alone, so please stop trying to find me.”